Its been weeks since my last official day of school. I should be updating this blog more regularly now, but I haven’t. Although I feel the urge to write, lately I’ve been squirming in my seat and staring at my computer screen. I think all the writing I’ve been doing for school, Yahoo!, Guidon, etc has left me a little creatively exhausted and I need a break. It feels like double-dipping — writing for a living and blogging. I still need to find that balance.
Admittedly, the other reason is that I’ve been feeling a little (fine, maybe a lot) anxious about the future and that nagging desire of wanting to be affirmed. I know writing helps in letting your emotions out, but it’s also scary to confront issues by concretizing them into words. Hence, you look away, or in my case, look away from the computer screen.
How to beat anxiety (?) I know that my fellow seniors feel the same way. In the last couple of weeks that I’ve been over thinking, analyzing, day dreaming and spacing out, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s easier to ask the questions (What am I going to do? Where am I going to work? Will they accept me?), than to figure out what to do with the answers when they come. Although I’m a ‘just do it and find out what happens already’ kind of a person, I’ve been hesitating. Once you send in your resume to your options, that’s it. You finally find out whether you’re actually an option or its all been in your head. The daydreaming stops and that bubble is broken into reality.
My friend offered a solution. He said you either “chill the fuck out” or be “insanely productive.”
But here I am blogging again, not only because I finally got some well-deserved rest (and a lot of fun, I might add) but I’ve always been a sucker for ‘reading the signs,’ reminding me why it’s worth doing what I want to pursue.
Last Wednesday, ACOMM had our culmination night for a fantastic year wherein the outgoing officers give tokens to the incoming officers and vice versa. If you follow this blog, you might be sick of all my posts about my org, but I mean it when I say that rather than just being involved, investing yourself into an organization is a humbling experience that everyone should have.
I was moved by the tokens given to me: A book from Eunice, the incoming Vice President; a flask and a bottle of wine from Jen, my unlikely friend who’s only a sophomore; a notebook for work from my department with little messages so that I can smile when I eventually come across the page daw; and a poster from the incoming EB with more messages.
Despite how anxious I’ve been feeling lately, the culmination night, which was heavy with heartfelt sentiment and light with laughter, reminded me why it’s worth challenging myself and others along the way. You grow, you make friends, you make mistakes. For someone to tell me, “Thank you for believing in me” or “I look up to you” is a constant reminder to believe in myself. Belief, is such a powerful conviction that keeps you alive, along with love. It can save your soul, even when for one reason or another you might eventually ‘sell it’ albeit hesitantly.
In the last couple of months of working at Yahoo! and crossing paths with the Rappler team, I’ve also had the opportunity to brush elbows with some truly remarkable and talented people in their field who absolutely believe in what they’re doing. I’ve learned so much from them.
In the real world they say we risk losing our sense of idealism, but after running into some ‘older’ industry experts and some aspiring Filipino youth, it’s not impossible not to. There is hope for the future whether it’s my own or the country’s. (A separate post on that.)
There is hope as long as there are people who are willing to work, not necessarily to change the world, but to improve the standards that we know could be better. The standards that most people accept complacently. My best friend and rising opera star owns ManilaLive.ph, which I help out by writing for. It’s still in the works but it exposes a myth that there’s nothing cultural to do in the Philippines. There is! It just needs to be organized.
A mentor-like figure recently told me that it doesn’t matter where you go “as long as you dive in, be smart, stand out, you’ll excel in any career path.” Make choices confidently, because you don’t know whether or not they’ll turn out as mistakes later on.
So here’s to diving headfirst into the future by finally sending in some resumes tonight. If you’re reading this, maybe you can hire me? Haha!