Bitter sweet paradox

Loner vibes

For as long as my adolescent and emerging young adult self can remember, my internal struggles have always been torn between two extremes —  solitude and companionship. My dad’s explanation would be it’s because I’m a Gemini so the split personality of the twins does some paradoxical voodoo on my wants and needs.

It comes in phases. In order to keep my sanity and incubate my thoughts, I need to wander and muddle through my little world of independence and isolation. But I need friends and people to wake me up from getting lost and roaming out of reach. I need them to be there when I come back. Solitude is a bitter sweet feeling.

That’s why you need to have constants. The people you love and can count on through thick and thin. I’m blessed to have mine, but ironically they are the ones who aren’t, at least in my every day life.

Perhaps i need to redefine “constant.”

I love catching up with people just as much as I enjoy making new friends. We can pride ourselves in being able to talk like nothing has changed. But the truth is that beneath the gleeful kwentohans, the subtext is that they have. I admit that sometimes I feel slightly sad when I realize how independently we’re all living our lives. If constants are “constant” then they shouldn’t be catching up, right?

I used to wonder why no matter how hard I tried to change it, the struggle between solitude and companionship was always the case throughout high school and even now in college. I was always a floater — an individual who was there but never completely part of the whole. An outlier who deviates, even from even her own life.

Perhaps it’s my fault that I project the image of being busy. Well, I am. Sometimes I think what people fail to see is the amount of time I actually spend alone, which I never felt was a bad thing, but neither is being a constant in the life of someone else. That’s why we like getting that text, that message, that invite that someone is thinking about you. The initiative speaks louder than words because it shows that they want you to be part of their life.

I’ve long ago accepted the companionship of solitude. Unlike loneliness, it isn’t painful and it’s part of growing up.  Actually, as a friend it has taught me a great deal. But it shouldn’t be the only one. Was it Levinas? or Heidegger who said that we are beings in the world with other beings. Life is meant to be shared with others. Don’t take your “constants” for granted.

With this one, I wont.


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