Ultimately I feel that my life has been dancing to two kinds of beats. First, those set to “coffee shop” like conversations where meaningful exchanges occur between real friends and kindred spirits during odd times of the day, like on a late Friday night where the air feels crisp to the skin and all you want to do is savor that little moment suspended in time. That’s why I like meeting new people. I enjoy discovering their stories.
The second are those set on the dance floor, because although I’m really not much of a real dancer, the music is enough for me try and pretend to be one. I don’t care much about the scene, and although I do care about the alcohol (just a bit), that’s why a part of me still enjoys clubbing. If that labels me as a party girl, then so be it.
Maybe i’m going through some twenty year old phase, but now I find myself not really wanting either. Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love said something like “I had actively participated in every moment of this life so why didnt i see myself in any of it?”
It’s weird. I know that I still enjoy these things when I do, but there’s another part of me that’s begging for some attention and it might not be what anyone’s used to. If you’re paying attention you’ll find that sometimes, usually later in the evening, I might just be quiet. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong. Sometimes I just want to be, which is unusual if you know how talkative i can be.
That’s the problem with the roles that we tend to create with society. It’s when we begin to change that we realize that maybe that part of ourselves people expect us to be was unconsciously being acted out of habit, obligation or love.
Our roles aren’t necessarily fake, it’s just terribly one sided and right now on the other side of coffee and neon colored lights are just other parts of myself worth exploring.