I was getting ready for my friend’s birthday party last Saturday when a thought suddenly struck me like an unexpected text bearing slightly bad news. I had just found out that the attendees I’m relatively close to who I thought were going apparently weren’t. Shit. “Am i going to be out of place?” I thought.
But as i put the finishing touches to my make up, and got my stuff ready to go, it dawned upon me that it’s been a long time since I went to a party as an individual. Typically, we go out with our barkadas or a couple of close friends to buffer the potential social awkwardness and small talk that comes with meeting new people. Essentially our barkadas are our comfort zones of friendship so if we don’t know anybody well enough at a party, we don’t go.
I know that compared to before i’ve generally become more anti-social and selective with who I spend my time with. That’s why I joke around saying how much of a loner I’ve become.
These days I want either good conversation or none at all, because honestly, i’d rather be alone in a coffee shop reading a book, or on my lap top than making useless small talk with people who I know aren’t my real friends or who I don’t really jive with. Sometimes I feel that the difficulty with being a sociable person is knowing how to distinguish a real connection from just a circumstantial one.
Maybe that sounds a little bit close minded but as Lena pointed out “You can’t be every body’s best friend.” It’s about knowing what you want, from people and for yourself. And I don’t think that make anyone, especially me, less of a friendly person.
Friend: I don’t see you around anymore
Me: Haha yeah, I don’t think I even see myself around anymore.
Ironically, that kind of mindset has also made me complacent about going out. So, despite not being assured of knowing anyone at the party, I went by myself anyway and ended up having a fantastic time.
Sure, we need our comfort zones, especially when it comes to friendship, but it make it easy to forget that we sometimes need to step out of it from time to time.
Overall, it was nice revisiting my old self this weekend.
Note to self: Don’t be such a loner all the time