Apathetic hearts are not cold. Their veins run deep into the gut and straight into the soul. It beats, just not loudly enough for everyone to hear but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t cringe when it becomes bothered and weighted down by overwhelming but intermittent emotion. Its resilience is to blame for the delayed disappointment and sadness, the not so distant cousin of delayed gratification. And that is its most fatal flaw. Because there’s only so much pressure it can withstand before the arteries pop, the veins burst and you find yourself trying to prevent a relapse.
These past 2 weeks have been particularly emotional for reasons I won’t disclose here. Blame it on bad timing, an accumulation of issues, pressure, disappointments and things that were just bound to happen. A few moments later I find myself easily bouncing back only to realize that even though i can fully function small things can trigger outbursts the causes of which surprises even myself at times.
So far 2010 feels like the antithesis to my generally apathetic nature which is partly caused by my optimistic outlook. Given certain events that transpired this year you could say that I got what I wished for which is to feel emotion (whether good or bad) in my heart, my body that would make me feel alive.
Because I strongly believe in growth and the capacity for change I think it enables me to take most of life’s shit in stride. It’s a good thing but sometimes that’s the reason why it takes awhile for a full impact to take its place; for my mind to register what my heart has silently been telling it all along.
So don’t be fooled by an apathetic heart. Just because its beat is faint doesn’t mean it isn’t palpitating. Sometimes all you have to do is place your ear closer to the chest and listen more carefully.